lauren in japan

On the train, most of the time, I cannot distinguish one train conductor's voice from another as they make announcements of the approaching stop, or the current stop, or the estimated time of arrival at the final destination. They all sound relatively the same, save for the one time the conductor who makes announcements (they're the ones at the back of the train, not driving) was a woman.

But in the last few months, every once in a while, there is one train conductor's voice that I have continually recognized, and for one practical reason: he sounds like Marlon Brando in The Godfather.

Well, I've never actually seen The Godfather, so I guess he more sounds like the impressions of Brando I've heard through the years -- that strained, throaty tone that's has always seemed one-part calming, one-part terrifying, and two-parts "dude, a Ricola would clear that right up!"

I always get excited when I hear Brando Conductor's voice -- I imagine that instead of giving waaaaayyy too much information at and between each stop* he's giving us sage advice about making offers one can't refuse.

*Seriously, the back conductor will start talking as soon as the train starts moving and yammer on until you're practically halfway to the next station, there's a minute or two of silence, and then they pick right back up again with the same information. They announce the name of the next stop three times: when pulling away from the last one, and on the way to AND pulling in at the next one, along with other, at-least-thrice-repeated-but-largely-unneeded information. But what really really makes me go into Lauren-rage (LAUREN ANGRY! LAUREN SMASH!) is that there are still - STILL - those Jhags who have to nervously peer out of the window or block the entire doorway to stick their heads out at every single station to check the station name, and never stop fretting about missing their stop and won't settle down, even though they've probably been taking this same train line for their entire lives, and always - ALWAYS - get off at Hakata, the most obvious and gigantic train station that is impossible - IMPOSSIBLE - to miss AND do you know what happens when you GET to each station? The STATION, AGAIN announces where you are and you can hear it from inside the train, like so:

"HA-KA-TAAAAA! HAKATA desu!"
(Hakataaaaa! It's Hakata!")

Oh, how I loathe the Jhags. I gotta get in cahoots with Brando Conductor so he can "take care of it." Wink wink, nudge nudge, Ricola Ricola.